couples.net.au - Sensual Lifestyles for Open Minded Couples - Bhaven Verbosity episode 1 (some Q&A)

MrBhaven of www.mrnmsbhaven.com gives his take on what It's like to be The male half of a Lifestyle couple. He describes his thoughts feelings and experiences. A unique insight into the mind of a real swinger. We put this article together as a kind of email interview. Here is his side of the story. It's a fabulous story we are proud to publish, and most grateful to MrBhaven for taking the time.

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So I'm sitting at Home and had some time to kill. I love writing, and had long ago promised Luke & Paula that I'd pen something for their site. So here it is. Now, please understand that I can occassionally get quite verbose. I'll do my best to contain myself here. I asked for an idea on what to write about and here are some of the questions and my thoughts.

What made You do this after 17 years of marriage?
It all started one late December afternoon. We were driving just outside of the city and she said those words that will stick with me forever. Very paused, calculated. "I don't really know how to say this, so bear with me. [pause] The thought of seeing you fuck another woman REALLY turns me on. I just can't get it out of my head."

I almost pulled over Right there, but kept driving. Did I just hear her right? Is this my wife of 16 years actually saying this? Did she just say me fucking another woman would turn her on?!?

Later conversation would reveal that this thought had been with her for a quite some time before she actually resolved her own issues and vocalized it to me. We've had this thought from time-to-time through our marriage, but NEVER really pursued it. It was however, something which she really enjoyed hearing about in fantasy as we had sex.

As thoughts raced through my head, I immediately focused on the negatives. This is my wife, my best Friend, my lover and a person I am absolutely infatuated with. Could I risk all that by bringing someone else into our bed? My answer a few hours later after initial thought was that I didn't think it to be a good idea. There was simply too much to lose.

We Left it at that for a few weeks as we both silently contemplated the thought.

To back up, I should explain a bit about us. We've been married for 16 years almost to the day when she mentioned this. We married very young. I was 19 and she was 17, the day before her 18th birthday. We had been engaged for about a year, and she was a few months pregnant with our daughter when we wed. Everything was stacked against us, from the fact that she came from a relatively miserable background to me being a spoiled midwestern boy, youngest of 5, from a very stable home, and many more opposites which seemed to favor a very short marriage. Yet we beat the odds. We beat them and have grown together with 2 teenage children. Our relationship is quite solid. Other couples seem to envy us, but to us, it's just our relationship and while proud of it, it's nothing for us to brag about. Simply put, we are the world to each other.

Our sex life is great. It pretty much always has been. To elaborate on that, I had only had 2 other partners and experiences before meeting my wife. She had significantly more, most of which were abusive and negative. Together we seemed to complete each other and become extremely comfortable in ourselves and our relationship.

I think the one thing that makes other couples envy us is that we OPENLY love each other. Are we always on the same page? Are things always perfect? Of course not. But we realize that they can't always be perfect, and accept that as part of our relationship.

Okay, where was I? Right. A few weeks pass, and I could not stop thinking about what she said and how it could affect us. I ran through every possible scenario I could Dream up, good/bad/ugly, and finally believed that we could actually make this work! About that same time, she introduced me to a few podcasts which she had gotten a bit of information from. Swingercast with John & Allie, and Swingtime with Paul & Kim. Both podcasts were REALLY informative, answering many of our questions and anxieties as well as providing us some great resources to make proper decisions.

We signed up on a lifestyle website (www.lifestylelounge.com) and started browsing around, taking in more information with every click. All of it had a bonus side effect. We both became insatiable in bed. We hadn't had 'daily' sex since we were newly weds so long ago, but getting into the thoughts of all this, we were having the best sex ever at least once, sometimes twice a day. If the mere thought of Swinging got us this hot, how would the "real thing" affect us?!?

Is it about "Other People Fantasies?"
I don't know that that is the case. I mean, the 'other person' fantasy is always a hot one and one which we've verbalized for years where some random guy is fucking or fingering Jen while I'm getting blown by another woman. It's something we both enjoy and had always gotten us off quickly. Did we need to bring that to life? No I don't think so. I think we could have done just fine with keeping it imaginary.

From a man's point of view, how do you overcome the jealousy issues?
I don't know. I guess I overcome it from a 110% beyond any shadow of a doubt Knowledge that she loves me and is coming home with me. This is my first/only marriage, so I don't have that broken heart knowledge that might keep me wondering if she's gonna leave me. I really just want to get her off. I love seeing it, I love seeing someone else do it. If someone else can do something that I can't, I don't get jealous, I want them to do it MORE! The only tinge of jealousy I've had (which I wouldn't even call jealousy and haven't said anything to Jen about because I don't have any real issue with it, but for discussion purposes I'll elaborate) is that we've recently added single males to the menu. That being the case, she's getting a LOT of attention online from the men. In this regard I kinda feel like a 3rd wheel, but have no real jealousy because the only guys she's attracted to are the ones SHE approaches, or who Come at us as a couple and show interest in us as a couple. Bottom line, wanna fuck my wife? You'd better make sure you can talk to me and get on my good side.

I just haven't had a reason yet to be jealous. I get a LOT of attention from her at the clubs and when we're out, so I'm good.

How involved are you as the man in the scenario?
If we're going to Play it's a decision that we both make together. Typically Jen will discuss rules with the other woman in the restroom (not sure why that happens, but anyhow). If we're good, we play. If I'm not comfortable then we don't. There was a time when I arranged play with another guy for the 4 of us, but we were all in consent. In starting conversation, I try not to be too overbearing. Typically another man will start talking to Jen and then us, and the other wife follows. Perhaps it's our 'newness' but we haven't approached too many couples outright. Something we need to do more. One thing though, I have a tendency to be overbearing, condescending and misunderstood. I'm an asshole, but if you can see past it, I'm really a great guy (or so I'm told). That being the case, I try to keep toned down so I don't send people running. Case in point, I found out that the joke "that's a guy I'd go gay for" doesn't go over very well. Fuck 'em! I thought it was funny.

How do you feel when you are with someone other than Jen, physically and emotionally?
Totally depends on how Jen feels. I am so connected to her that if we're Playing with other partners and Jen seems turned on by what I'm doing, it drives me through the roof. If anything seems unsure, it's like a bucket of cold water on me. And it's nothing outright that she does. It's a look in her eyes, or a tone in her voice, etc. Just flat out playing with another person doesn't do it for me. I really don't have much interest in doing it alone. However, throw my wife in the mix and the recipe is perfect. The only way I could go out alone is if she set it up and wanted me to do something specific and report back to her on it. That would be sexy. Otherwise, if she just said "go have fun", I don't think I could. Jen knows what does it for me and she can make me Cum in 20 seconds flat. She can and will make or break an experience for me while playing.

What has all this swinging stuff done for your relationship?
I think we're closer now than we ever have been before. We have something to share with each other and others. Our communication is better and far more frequent than ever. We seem to cherish each other a bit more. Not to mention that we're having a LOT more sex. Part of it too, has to do with us both taking a bit better care of ourselves. I no longer wear grubby jeans and t-shirts unless I'm working on a vehicle or mowing a lawn. I watch what I eat and work out 5 days a week (except on days like today where I'm semi-sick and it's sweats & flannel).

I think we respect each other more, or at least SHOW it to each other more now than we did before. Not to mention feeling very liberated sexually. Jen has the ability to express her Bisexual desires, and any turn-ons that I have, I know I can voice and she'll work as hard as she can to making them come true.

Much of this swinging lifestyle is about giving and "gifting". When we're playing with another couple, I feel that the greatest gift I can give Jen is her freedom to do what makes her feel good. It is the ultimate gift I can give her to say "here love, do as you please. It's okay.", and it's a powerful thing for her to give right back to me.

And yes, I feel like a fucking King 24x7.