It probably goes without saying that No-one knows what You want and how to give it to you better than you primary partner. After all, for most of us they have had years of regular practice.

It's our argument that perhaps all this messing around with other people is nothing more than a bit of meaningless sport - a bit of fun. What do you think?

So then follow this reasoning. If no one does it better than #1 then why do you go out looking for #'s 2 to 200? Only a bold person would admit that #58 was better than #1. If that were The case, then probably going back to #58 might be a big mistake.

Most of us seem say that we are no looking for something we haven't got at Home. So what then are we looking for?

And supposing we did actually have some meaningless fun with someone who was better than #1 - what would you do then. It would take some courage to mention it to #1. We've agreed that if that ever happened we wouldn't discuss it in any detail - we simply wouldn't go back there.

We've heard the suggestion that perhaps #58 does some things better than #1. Fair cop. Not everyone is good at everything. So do you then take that experience home and try to subtly teach #1 the new technique? Or do you risk offending #1 by letting him/her know they aren't the best at everything?

The flip side is that if #23 doesn't do something that #1 does very well, is it Right to try to teach #23 your wife/husband/partner's special technique - or is that something Private between the two of you?

We imagine this issue has Come up many times. There are probably as many solutions as there are couples. What's yours? 

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Ms Pet - LJ Hooker You're the Best....   | 124.171.129.xxx | 2008-05-06 21:46:56 I would only feel comfortable bringing up such issues with #1. I think it mmaaayyy be overstepping the mark to tell playmates what they're doing wrong... that said, if it were something truly awful, some delicate suggestion may be called for - though that could mean the end of me and them. Fair enough! If #58 had crazy technique though, I'd definitely tell #1! I don't know whether it'd be fair or true to say that anyone was better than #1 for me because there IS the whole novelty factor of being with new people and that honeymoon infatuation. Tends to skew things in favour of the new playmate I think. Lord knows when I first got together with #1, I could practically orgasm just by thinking about him. So, acknowledging that, I'd reassure #1 that it wasn't a matter of bad and good but the discovery of something and new and good to try. And then I'd gently prod him to try it. IF I had a real connection with #58 and the sex was amazing, then yes - decision time. Chances are if that continued, #1 and I may break up I'd make the decision to stop seeing #58... (unless I came to the awful realisation that we were a better fit than #1, in which case I may have to choose the other way. In the end though, it'd be my choice and I doubt I could ever betray #1. By the same token, to stay with #1 and long for #58 would be a betrayal too - a worse one maybe.) As to why we seek out more than #1 - we're animals? We like to connect in sexual ways with those we like? It's not looking for something better, just loving the experience of different people? Variety is the spice of life as they say and what would a dish be without spice?! Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-06 21:54:46 Quote: in which case I may have to choose the other way. There is that. I have to admit that for me if that choice was ever a possibility I would be out of the whole scene in a flash. Quote: new people and that honeymoon infatuation I think (for me) infatuation is the wrong word but I do think that this business fires off hormones that don't normally last longer than 6 or 7 weeks. I have to be careful what I say here. A relationship that is only based on the hormones is destined to fail. For a lasting relationship there are a million other strengthening factors (to state the obvious). Quote: we're animals (fundamentally) a view I subscribe to but don't seem to share with many other people. Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Ms Pet - indeed! :)   | 124.171.129.xxx | 2008-05-06 22:17:32 luke wrote: There is that. I have to admit that for me if that choice was ever a possibility I would be out of the whole scene in a flash Yep. Before we started, we had a serious discussion about this issue and on the perceived strength of our relationship, we decided it was worth the risk because the risk was so small. If it DID happen, considering that the risk IS so miniscule, then maybe it's for the best we split (and I know everyone will think it scandalous that I say that). Lol - Luke, not infatuation? Lust? Either or! Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-06 22:23:23 I prefer to use the word chemicals. Everything else has far too many connotations. Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

cumandplay69     | Registered | 2008-05-06 23:35:22 I really do agree with that catch phrase, and I also work for LJHookers lol! Seriously though, no one has ever done anything better to me than my partner in any of the Playing I have experienced to date, and I think it is highly unlikely to ever change. Yes, this is sport sex. There is normally very little appropriate foreplay...by that I mean, the foreplay that only my partner knows will get me going, and my experience also tells me that people do not like to be told how to fuck! That said, my partner has on the odd occasion tried to school someone on my erogonous zones, with little or no effect whatsoever. I have also asked people what they would like us to do to them, but communication whilst fucking is not a popular thing. Something about saying " could you lick my right nipple gently" that just doesn't seem to sit well when all that one is generally hearing is moaning and groaning hehehhe! Anyway, there is no "mind fuck" in the scene with me at least, and that is what brings me back to the "nobobdy does it better". With your partner it is a mind fuck....with your Play mates it is sport sex! That is my opinion and to date, I am sticking to it! If anyone has any other ideas on the matter I would be keen to hear them. Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-06 23:56:29 No mind fuck - wow! The whole Lifestyle thing is a big mind fuck for me. I just do it a bit like going to the gym - to see what I can do. TO see if I can play a better game than last week. At home there is no need for mind games - Just thinking about the main course makes the entree taste good. Quote: my experience also tells me that people do not like to be told how to fuck! That said, my partner has on the odd occasion tried to school someone on my erogonous zones, with little or no effect whatsoever. Thanks for the idea for tomorrow's article! Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Swingfest   | Author | 2008-05-06 23:47:25 [i]Nobody does it better Makes me feel sad for the rest Nobody does it half as good as you Baby, you're the best[/i] We have a lot of fun with other couples, and the flirt and play are all part of it. Playing with friends, is always better than with casuals, there is no question. But as I am the "one night stand that NEVER Left" I stay not only for the love of a good woman, but for the best sex I have ever had. NOW.. the rest of you, you do come close at times, but... but.... its just not that intimate. Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-07 00:18:38 Quote: its just not that intimate Intimacy for more reading see: http://couples.net.au/main/index.php/News/Mars-and-Venus/Sex-as-a-Cure-for-Depression.html http://couples.net.au/main/index.php/News/Lifestyle/The-Intimacy-Question.html Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

cumandplay69   | 121.208.68.xxx | 2008-05-07 02:14:41 Yes, the whole scene is a mind fuck in one way I agree with you Luke....the feeling sexy and admired by someone of the opposite sex other than your partner....a huge turn on and ego boost! But I guess what I am talking about is the intimacy as Swingfest said. There is really no intimacy in play sex and nor should there be....I reserve that for my partner....this is where the sex is a little at odds with everything we have learned from our society....hard for lots of women to get over that one...including this one at times!!!! Anyways, I guess you get what I am saying....looking forward to the next topic!!!!! Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-07 02:18:50 Quote: a huge turn on and ego boost I think this is the key - it's not so much the doing it as the possibility/likelihood Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Hot4U   | Registered | 2008-05-07 06:05:32 I am just doing it for the Chicks!!! No one can do ME better than my man but I am Bisexual and lurve the Girly contact BUT then we are talking a different type of sex. In respect to a girly in a couples relationship I am sure that many of them are there for the same reason I am. Its an added bonus if you have great sex with the others partners or climax with other than your own I never take our lifestyle seriously its all for the fun, sexy, hot and steamy times we have not to see which one was better on the night Love Nick Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-07 16:47:08 That's an interesting angle on it Nic. It fulfils a need of yours but doesn't leave your man out in the cold. I wonder if anyone else feels the same? If there was no 'lifestyle' would you still seek out a bit of girly action e.g. by going to a lesbian venue? Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Epodec   | Editor | 2008-05-09 00:42:17 My theory is this. No one knows everything about sex. Both my wife and I have learned things from our lovers that we've brought home and improved our sex life with. Toes for example. Neither of us had any idea that toes were incredibly sensitive. I had a lover ask me to suck her toes, at first I was apprehensive but we'd just come from the shower so "what the Hell." I took it home to my wife and the next day we had holes in the wall at the head of the bead where she punched through the drywall. Will I say that toe sucking girl was BETTER than my wife? Hell No. Did she have a new idea that made our sex life hotter? Yes. Then there's our "Poly" situation where we are actually in love with another couple. I don't dare compare his wife to mine or vice versa. They are both special and we all make love, but comparison is completely unfair and just wrong to all parties involved. I would say we're all different and we like the variety. Does that mean when were with our poly couple that it's "meaningless sport." I certainly don't believe so, we're sharing things on a level none of us ever "expected" to be sharing on, and it's incredibly erotic. So where's that leave things, one nighters, I would call meaningless sport. Close friends, poly partners, not meaningless sport. Each individual encounter, an experience to be learned from. -j Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-09 16:53:24 I'm glad we got your take on this Epodec. I acknowledge that for some of us it's a lot more than meaningless sport. I hope I didn't offend you. Yours is a story I obviously hadn't considered. Can I ask a question? Feel free to say no - when you play to you play as a group now or as two separate couples? Or both? We'd like to hear some more of your story here as it is a side everyone has heard of but not everyone has a lot of experience. Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Ms Pet   | 203.214.84.xxx | 2008-05-10 06:17:22 Ooh yes please, Epodec. Would love to hear more about your take on poly partners. Did you choose to go out there and create a poly relationship? Was it something you fell into? ... if I may be so bold as to ask. Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Hot4U   | Registered | 2008-05-09 03:17:33 I would beg steal and borrow someones missus if there was no lifestyle. Then again parties, lesbians, parties, vaginas hell I am there!!!!. On a serious note though. I would probably go where I need to go. Being Bisexual isnt something that I woke up to one morning and said "Geez i wanna fondle womens breasts and suck on their nipples". Its something that i have been doing for a very very long time. Hubby or no hubby I would be doing exactly what I am doing now. Nick Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

cumandplay69   | Registered | 2008-05-09 06:54:09 Epodec, I would worry about the intimacy issue on the level you are at. Everyone is different....whatever floats your boat, but for me, Swinging is not about intimacy, it is about fun. Maybe things will change as I age....hmmmm....all good....cheers! Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

newswingers   | Editor | 2008-05-09 09:53:49 Ok, probably in the minority here, but we love the intimacy stuff. Not worth doing otherwise. Anonymous, industrial meaningless sport fucking with others is something we have tried, but leaves us unsatisfied and feeling dirty in the morning. I love to flirt and enjoy the personalites of our playmates. Can't imagine ever playing with anyone that didn't have a wicked sense of humour! L xx Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Paula   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-10 08:59:47 I dont believe there has to be any intimacy in "play" at all - in fact at the mere hint of it we run for the hills! Having said that... each to their own, and what one perceives as "intimacy" may not be what another couples perceives as the same... makes sense? Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Swingfest   | Author | 2008-05-09 16:32:04 Hi laura, Don't get me wrong here, but I think its impossible to get the same level of intimacy as you do with your primary partner..... case in point. CONDOMS. That simple latex barrier stops a level of intimacy you only get 'at home'. We frivoulosly use the term 'sport fucking' sometimes, but there is NO chance we'd Shag anyone we did'nt have any 'chemistry' with, and that flirtatious behaviour leads to a level of intimacy beyond just 'sport' The 'fun' part is important too. Very important ! Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

newswingers   | Editor | 2008-05-10 12:04:05 Hmm, interesting. So what do we all mean by intimacy? (swingfest, I never suggested that the level of intimacy with playmates could anywhere near approach what I experience with my partner of 23 years - IMPOSSIBLE!) For me it is about connection on a number of levels, emotional, physical and intellectual ..... what do others think? Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

cumandplay69   | Registered | 2008-05-11 03:12:55 I do not want intimacy with play mates....I just think it isn't about that! We have that with our permanent partners. Intimacy with others would get way too confusing....it is just a bit of fun...and it makes your sex life with your partner hotter than ever. That is my goal with this whole thing! Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-11 04:26:42 Intimacy is something we specifically try to avoid. We feel it over-steps too many boundaries. The few times I have (unilaterally) allowed intimacy, it has (rightly IMO) caused discomfort and angst - hence: INTIMACY BANNED. Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Ms Pet   | 203.217.45.xxx | 2008-05-11 05:20:06 Hmm. Yes this does seem to come down to what 'intimacy' means to different people. Sounds like it varies wildly from couple to couple. For us, we hope that our playmates may also be good friends. By this I mean people who we can be ourselves with and relate to; people with whom we feel relaxed, can have fun with, and who understand sex to be a natural way to express affection for friends who are sexually attractive. To us this is 'swinger intimacy' and the way we like it. However, if any playmate were to attempt to create a poly relationship with us, or forge a more emotionally-charged relationship with one of us, to the exclusion of the other, THIS is the sort of 'intimacy' we did not sign up for and we would definitely see this as overstepping the boundaries. After all, as many people say - the swinging part is for fun and not to create new love. Obviously sometimes people can't help the way they feel but that's probably the time that one should take a respectful step back. Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

raven62 - Oh dear, we've lost the plot   | Registered | 2008-05-11 05:38:48 Hey every body. Reality check. If you are romping naked with people you are experiencing intimacy according to most dictionary definitions which rely mainly on the physical side. So what I think we are coming up against here is a problem with the English language... many meanings for one word. I think that there are levels (korma, madras, vindaloo, jalopena) and types of intimacy (physical, emotional.. ). For me I don't want to play with anyone I don't feel attracted to somehow, with whom one can detect some mutual attraction, where there can be some sharing of joy. Yet, like pretty well everyone here, I absolutely avoid any level of intimacy that is moving towards endangering the extraordinary intimacy on so many levels of my primary relationship. R Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-11 06:35:07 I think by intimacy we don't mean physical intimacy - you can't get much more intimate than having a guys knob in your mouth. I think we mean the tenderness and gentleness - the afterplay maybe ... Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Laura   | 58.174.128.xxx | 2008-05-12 02:05:15 Like I said, I think we are in the minority - tenderness, gentleness and afterplay are things we can enjoy with the right couple. (BTW, for me, kissing can at times be far more intimate than having a guys knob in my mouth). As time has gone on, Bryan and I are realising that our security does not come from restricting what we do with others but from the amazing connection and commitment we have to each other. Of course this does not mean that we are insensitive to the boundaries of other couples and will always respect them. Although, it is possible for a couple's particular boundaries to make them incompatible with us. For instance we would probably not bother with Soft swap. Similarly if the couple has too many restrictions we find that the spontaneity and fun can go out of things and we might all be better off elsewhere Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote

Luke - re:   | Super Administrator | 2008-05-12 06:06:28 Laura wrote: tenderness, gentleness and afterplay are things we can enjoy with the right couple. Not being judgemental - just asking a question - if everything is on the menu what does a person save for their partner? Reply | Quote You need to be logged in to vote